But no one ever talks about the downsides to having a strong pelvic floor.

What if it gets TOO STRONG.

When you go swimming, pool toys and noodles can get sucked up in there.  One time I was just floating in the public pool and I accidentally flexed, next thing I knew parents were screaming as their children were caught in the whirlpool of terror created by the powerful suction.  Needless to say I am no longer welcome there.  Shout out to lifeguard Kelly for being brave and quick thinking enough to rescue the children that day.  They should erect a stature to her valor.  Sadly she didn’t make it herself and her sacrifice will live on as a cautionary tale for other aspiring teens wanting an easy summer job.

Finding love can be a challenge.  Often men will get very depressed after I end a relationship with them because their members have shrunken down to a dense nub from the repeated pressure and force of intercourse with me.  Now I have to discuss it on a first date between the appetizer and main course to fully disclose the dangers.  Having your penis wink out of existence is usually a deal breaker but sometimes the guy seems into it (until it becomes apparent that it’s a Freudian issue that I’m not qualified to deal with).  I usually broach the topic gently by asking if he’s interested in space, particularly black holes and singularities and whip out a Stephen Hawking book for the layperson (he knew things, RIP you brilliant visionary).  I don’t date anymore because it’s simply too dangerous.

Menstruation can be tricky as well.  Sure you no longer need to carry around bulky feminine care products and you don’t have to worry about stains and leaks.  However no one told me doing kegels could lead to the possibility of having copper buckshot propelled out at high speeds.  I now must lead the life of a noble werewolf that is sick of all the monthly killing.  I have to be chained up for 4 to 5 days in a fortified chamber deep underground so as not to harm anyone.  Luckily a kindly neighbor knows to lower down some live chickens and chocolate to keep me satiated so I don’t  break my bonds in a blind fit of rage and hunger.  Don’t feel too bad for me though, it’s the life I’ve chosen and I get Netflix down there.

Just for safety reasons, I don’t go in school zones at all.

I do not travel by aircraft.  It’s a bad idea to be in a pressurized cabin at 42,000 feet when at any moment I could uncross my legs and cause the whole flight to mysteriously vanish.  Perhaps now we have some answers about the Bermuda Triangle.  When I must travel, I go by sea.  I propel myself gracefully through the water like a squid.  It’s not fast but it’s the only way to travel overseas for me.  Sailors and fishermen have caught glimpses of me and the ones that don’t go mad are sitting in dim taverns, never to return to sea, where they can be prodded with whiskey to tell their version of the story.

I await the day when get I called into action to save the world from an asteroid or alien invasion.  There will be a light in the sky or maybe a phone under glass will ring.  Until then, I kegel.

~B